me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
You Might Also Like
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My five year plan is a meteorite
thanks auntie mary
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
kitchen magnet
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
asking santa clause for nudes
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.