Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
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has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!