*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
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Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
car not found
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
PLOT TWIST:
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself