[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
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God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Wait a minute
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
this is uni
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher