“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
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Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..