3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
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that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
The news in a nutshell.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?