me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
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My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Friday
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
[eulogy]
line?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist