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[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie