One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
You Might Also Like
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.