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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
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I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
My biological clock is wheezing.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath