@casual_koala: Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
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@charliedelta7: I taught my 4yo how to spell 'beer' so he'll stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says "choose your destiny" so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
@Tmoney68: Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo.
@causticbob: I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal. He asked me to pay in advance.