Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
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husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
When ur friends with white people
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……