Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
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[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.