Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
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english majors be like furthermore
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!