Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
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Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Single and childfree like Jesus
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
blocked.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage