Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
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I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Me recordaron éste meme
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.