Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
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Damn he played himself
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Yoga Matt
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
A collection of me turning into random objects.