Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
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No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
79.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.