Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
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I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
two people or more is called a problem
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me trying to reach for my goals
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.