*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?