*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
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[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Me recordaron éste meme