Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
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Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
my first dose meeting my second
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.