Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
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My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
This meeting could have been a cake
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I can fix him.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”