“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
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Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
My birth announcement for our third baby
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.