Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
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*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
was Jim off killing horses or…
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh