Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
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I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I am yelling
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie