‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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Drive as I say, not as I drive.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
How high do the levels go?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
tourist season
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.