‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
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Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
i could never be president. im overqualified.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I’m already scared
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
🤣🤣🤣
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
why does this building look like a guilty dog