Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
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Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
guys i’ve cracked the code
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.