I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need