[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
basketball鈥檚 all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I wish other people my age weren鈥檛 so old.
the saddest jazz hands ever
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I do so love when I鈥檓 not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there鈥檚 something that everyone鈥檚 alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I鈥檓 reading the log on an abandoned ship
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
pat pat
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 馃敟
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won鈥檛 take the hint to leave but who also won鈥檛 stop killing people.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I鈥檓 on pound number 2
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you鈥檙e attached to in a married way?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don鈥檛 make me see other people
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it鈥檚 not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi