Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
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Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
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Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
The Compass
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Simple
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.