Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
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After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.