@Aspersioncast: Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
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@DirtMcTurd: Ex (trying to make me jealous): I'm going to a party, everyone's drinking, laughing, and having fun! Me: that'll all stop once you show up
@UnFitz: If I see a dog in a hot car, I'm always troubled. Why don't I have a hot car like that? How much does that dog make per year?
@LackOfShame: Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.