Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
You Might Also Like
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
*frowns in Scottish*
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually