@ericsshadow: [annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
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@JennyJohnsonHi5: I hate when people think my real name is Jennifer, because it's not, it's Jennitalia.
@johngaysee: If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong.
@TheRolo: Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter? Me: we met at a nickelback conc- Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
@CollegeHumorLol: When I see my cat staring out the window, I sit behind him and whisper, "Look, Simba, Everything the light touches is our kingdom".