Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
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I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Friday
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time