If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
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Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
sliding into dms like
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop