Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
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you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.