*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
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Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
This a good idea