*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
You Might Also Like
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
This is a whole mood;
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4