@ObscureGent: Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
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@3sunzzz: [hotel fire alarm] M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly? H: It's 10am, they were already dressed. M: impressive
@NewDadNotes: [doorbell rings] Me: [opens door] yes? Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
@emmatheist: Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
@MissBamantha: Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase "calm down."