Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
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[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.