@NeinQuarterly: Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week] ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I'm not dead!
@AJEatsCake: Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
@TheSharona06: At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item Cashier: Are these good? Me: No. I'm buying all of them just to save others from suffering
@pattonoswalt: "Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I'm trying to save Germany, not Gilligan's Island." -- Hitler's last words