another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
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[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
saving face 👀
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Shortcut
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”