My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
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The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.