Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
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I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.