Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
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MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step