If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
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[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.