Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
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The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?