Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X