Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
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Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.