Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
do what now??
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I hope this email finds you in a well
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.