Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.