@GrandadJFreeman: Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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@daemonic3: Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad? "I don't know, how would I know?" GF: I'm pregnant! "Hi Pregnant, I'm... OH MY GOD I'M READY"
@ElgatoEsmio: [DUI checkpoint] Cop: I'm gonna need you to follow my finger Me: As long as it doesn't tweet inspirational stuff
@Mikestanley1: [pulls up after first date] Me: well, this is my place Her: a bouncy house? Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY "YOUR MAJESTY."
@U_Want_Shum_M8: I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle